Harsh Realities

By Greg Baker
as told to Anne-Marie Welsh

I remember my first experience of understanding what it’s really like to live in the midst of violence. I grew up in a relatively safe suburb. I certainly knew kids who picked fights from time to time. But for the most part, it was the kind of thing you could live with.

As part of my high school confirmation service hours, I went to the City Mission in downtown Erie, where I tutored a middle-school student after school. One day, he just buried his head and wouldn’t do any work. Once I realized we weren’t going to get any math homework done, I started asking him what was really going on. When he looked up, his face was red and there were tears in his eyes. He said, “I got in big trouble at school today, I got in a fight with a kid.”

That’s all I needed to hear. I got on my high moral horse and told him it was wrong to pick fights with people and that’s not the way to do things. He listened to me for a little while and then looked right at me and asked, “Have you ever watched somebody jump out of a car and tackle your brother and hold a gun to his head?”

I did not know how to respond. It was the first time I realized there was more to violence than I had considered. Some people grow up having to carry so much. Things can get way messier than doing a nice, moralistic lesson. There are some harsh realities out there God wants me to see and to which God wants me to respond.

That encounter inspired me to spend more time with the poor, with kids that were troubled, kids who’d been kicked out of school for drugs and weapons. I knew I had a lot to learn about the real world; I hoped I might have something to give.

I continue to grow in the realization that some people will do almost anything to become part of a group where they feel accepted, particularly teens who want and need to belong. Depending on where you live, that might even mean using knives or guns.

I think violence often comes out of frustration. If we dig a little deeper, we might say it comes out of our sense of incompleteness. As humans, we will always be incomplete. There will always be things in life that aren’t how we want them to be. Violence is a learned response to frustration. It’s easier to hit someone than to resolve an issue. That plays out on different levels, from kids fighting in the schoolyard to turf wars among gangs to countries choosing between war and diplomacy as they try to settle disputes.

I still remember the conversations from a peace and justice class I took with Father Robert Susa at Gannon University. He said that at the root of all conflict, there is a legitimate disagreement people are struggling over. Maybe someone called me a dork and I don’t think I’m a dork. We’ve got a basic disagreement. If we end up in a physical fight over the disagreement, it will in no way resolve the initial issue of whether or not I am, in fact, a dork. It’s the same thing when countries fight over borders. If they go to war over a border dispute, it does nothing to solve the initial conflict. They may prove one country has better weapons and more skilled troops, but they still have not addressed the original problem.

But let’s get back to the more everyday frustrations each of us knows. How can we deal with them without turning to violence?

One of the techniques I recommend, even with kids who have serious problems with anger, is meditation and prayer. This takes leadership from someone trained in this area, but it can begin with simple breathing exercises. Eventually, it’s important to move into what’s stirring in our hearts, the thoughts lingering beneath the surface. What is it God is asking of us? Often we’re being driven my emotions, by real hurts and real worries.

As we become more aware of what’s going on in our hearts and minds, we become less enslaved to our emotions and circumstances. We can recognize unfortunate or painful circumstances, but we can also move beyond them.

What do I mean by moving beyond? Let’s say you’ve had a fight with a friend. Are you going to spend the next several months stewing and wondering what he or she is thinking, or do you have the courage to sit down and talk about what happened? Courage is at the root of overcoming violence. I think you can see that the non-violent way of living requires much more bravery than the violent way of living. But the result is so much more positive, productive and in harmony with what the Gospel asks of us.

I know that responding with non-violence is not the norm. If you’ve ever watched a reality television series, you’ve seen how easy it is for people to tear each other apart emotionally and psychologically. Think about American Idol, America’s Next Top Model, Survivor or even The Apprentice. Why is it okay to insult people just because you’re famous or just because you’re competing against them for a prize? We watch and we laugh, but as Catholics, we must never lose sight of the fundamental dignity of all people.

I remember when I was a senior in high school, there was a kid on my bus who was being bullied by several kids. They would torment him, following him when he got off the bus, sometimes physically pushing him around. After seeing this happen a few times, I decided to start walking with the kid. It was just a simple act. At first, they still came after him, but I just turned around and told them to go home and find something productive to do with their time. After awhile, they just stopped.

I didn’t think anything of it until later in the year when the assistant principal called me into his office and said, “Hey, you really saved this kid this year, you made a real impact.” I still don’t know this young man very well, but he’s thanked me again and again for that basic act of just standing by him.

I am sure you will recognize similar situations at some point in your life. People gossip and participate in back-biting all the time. I can’t stress enough how ridiculously backwards it is for people to see non-violence as the wimpy way out.

Look at the examples set by Gandhi, by Martin Luther King or more importantly, by Jesus. They have tremendous courage and strength. Never be afraid to follow their lead.

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