By Anne-Marie Welsh
Photography by Art Becker
Like most young couples who fall in love, for Frank and Debbie Kruise it all started out well. They met at Mount Aloysius Junior College in Cresson, Pa. Frank was from Coalport, Debbie was from Warren. They got to know each other in an English lit class, where they discovered they both liked the same kind of poetry. “Deb has this bubbly personality,” Frank says. “She is so outgoing, fun-loving and compassionate. I was attracted to that because I consider myself straight-lined.” They became good friends, going for long walks, solving the problems of the world. It wasn’t long before Frank says he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Debbie. “She was everything I wanted in a wife and friend for the rest of my life,” he says. “I never expected to meet someone in college,” Deb says. “I thought I was going to get a degree in fashion merchandising and travel the world. But I met this sweet guy and everything changed.” Everything.
“It didn’t rain on our wedding day, but you can see the dark clouds overhead in all the pictures,” Deb says with a laugh. The Monday after their wedding, Frank’s father was diagnosed with cancer. His funeral was held just two months later, the day before Frank graduated from mortuary school. “Things didn’t start off the way I thought they would,” Deb admits. “I had envisioned his dad coming over for Sunday dinners.” Frank, who had lost both his mom and grandmother at a very young age, threw himself into his work.
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They decided to send Deb to mortuary school as well, in order to secure the second license required for their funeral home. That meant Deb had to move to Pittsburgh while Frank stayed in Madera to run the funeral home. Still young and in love, the Kruises made it work. “I loved Pittsburgh,” Deb says, “and I saw it as a chance to find myself.” As good as her intentions were, in some ways this decision contributed to the difficulties Frank and Debbie would later experience. “It just didn’t really hit me that I’d actually be working as a funeral director,” Deb says, although her studies gave her new insights into their daily experience as a couple.
“I began to appreciate why our dinners were always interrupted during the first three years of marriage, why family plans were always cancelled at the last minute, why other families always came first,” she observes. “I had a much better understanding of how that played on our marriage.” (Frank and Deb took turns answering more than half a dozen phone calls during this interview.) Upon her return to Madera, the couple became a solid professional team.
At this point, as in so many marriages, things changed again when the Kruises, having been married for five years, welcomed their first child, Christina. Three years later, Anthony was born. Deb has always been certain of her desire to be a wife and mother. She is deeply grateful that working from home allowed her to remain actively involved in her children’s lives. Today, Frank feels a certain sadness about this period in their lives. “I regret that I missed a lot of that growing up time,” he says, acknowledging he often gave his career greater priority. “There were many times when she took the kids somewhere and I stayed back.”
Retrouvaille is a weekend experience for couples who are experiencing difficulty in their marriage.
(Retrouvaille is a French word meaning rediscovery.) Held in complete confidentiality and privacy, it is designed for couples who need help strengthening a marriage that no longer feels life-giving. Following the completion of the Retrouvaille weekend, couples are encouraged to attend a follow-up program one evening a week for six weeks. For confidential information or to speak with a couple experienced in the Retrouvaille program, please contact the Family Life Office at 1.800.374.3723 or 814.824.1265. To speak with a couple experienced in Retrouvaille, call 1.800.470.2230 or to connect with the national office, visit www.retrouvaille.org. |
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Retrouvaille will be offered in the Erie Diocese Feb. 29-March 2 and Oct. 10-12 For more information or to make a reservation in complete confidentiality, call 800.470.2230 |
Another well-intentioned series of decisions that weakened the foundation of the Kruises’ family life. That’s the thing about this story. Their marriage crumbled so slowly it was almost imperceptible. There was no abuse, no complicating factor such as alcoholism or gambling. But as Deb grew increasingly dissatisfied, having denied some of her own goals and dreams, Frank grew complacent and tensions rose. They rarely acknowledged it, even to each other.
Having been to Retrouvaille, they now understand that the families in which we grow up play a large role in who we become as adults. Deb’s family was large and noisy on the outside, but real problems were best kept undisclosed. Losing his mom and grandmother at such a young age, Frank says his family existed in survival mode. Communication and resolution had never been a part of either of their lives. “In 25 years of marriage, we’ve never argued,” Deb insists. Yet underneath the surface, she was seething. “It’s true,” Frank admits. “If I didn’t agree with her about something, I would tell her so, but we didn’t fight.” He now sees that Deb often gave in to avoid confrontation.
Separate vacations became the norm. Frank would spend a week with golfing buddies. Deb and the kids traveled a bit, enjoying some of the cultural pursuits she longed for. Deb also kept busy with volunteer commitments. “As time went on, we quit going on dates,” Frank says. Debbie adds, “And I quit trying.” Through it all, Frank believed he was in the perfect marriage. “I thought once you loved each other and were married, that was all you needed,” he says. The idea of working on a marriage was foreign to him. Then, just as Christina was beginning college, Deb, who had denied her feelings for so long, experienced such burnout she decided she could no longer work in the funeral business.
As far back as 1996, Deb had tried to communicate with Frank by telling him of her concerns through letters. He never acknowledged them, nor her attempts to mend what was beginning to break apart. Incredibly, still no arguments. “I just reverted to keeping my mouth shut in order to keep the peace,” Deb says. Those darned good intentions. By this time she began feeling like little more than a marble statue that was slowly being chipped away. She began building a wall, thick and high. “Ignoring her letters was the wrong thing to do,” Franks says. “I thought it would pass, but as time went on, it was like a wedge being driven between two logs, slowly separating us. Suddenly, things are all the way apart.”
“By 2005, I could feel my spirit dying,” Deb says. “I was craving passion, I wanted deeper discussion. I wanted a connection. I finally just told Frank that I would be leaving that very same day.” He was shocked. In some ways, he, too, was ready for a break from the dissatisfaction they were experiencing. But he had not expected Deb’s announcement. That morning, Frank went to work at the couple’s second funeral home, four miles away, but not without stopping to pray at his parish church. He decided to call his wife, inviting her to lunch. Deb hesitated, but agreed. During lunch, Frank acknowledged the seriousness of their problem. “I knew it wasn’t going to go away,” he says, “and that she was deeply hurt from years of having me ignore her and not validate her feelings.”
At the same time, Deb committed to trying harder. “I decided I couldn’t leave unless I could look my children in the eye and tell them I had done everything I could to make it work,” she says. Frank and Debbie happened upon Retrouvaille when they called to inquire about counseling through Catholic Charities in the Erie Diocese. “I had no clue what it was,” Frank says. “But they called us back, and told us a Retrouvaille weekend for people who were having difficulties in their marriage was scheduled soon, so we agreed to go.” Deb was less sure than Frank. “You have to remember my wall was still up,” she says. “But again, I knew if I was going to be sincere about doing everything in my power, I had to go, and to listen with an open heart.”
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The Kruises don’t want to gloss over how difficult it was finding the courage to go to Retrouvaille. They’re smiling as they tell their story, but they say it was a cold and rainy October weekend. “We were like sheep,” she says. “Going to the slaughter,” he agrees. “We had no idea what we were getting into.” Calling it the hardest, most emotional weekend he’s ever experienced, Frank pauses to get control of his emotions even now, two years later. “But I think it’s the best-kept secret in the Catholic Church,” he asserts. “It was absolutely eye opening. Retrouvaille gives you the tools that you need to work on the rough spots in your marriage.”
“A one-weekend experience wasn’t the full answer,” Debbie says. “We returned for six more planned follow-up evenings. We talked together, we started to go on walks and we began to pray together, which we hadn’t done in years. The healing began. God had his hand over us, he truly did.” For the Kruises, participating in Retrouvaille and the follow-up sessions meant a 3-hour trip each way from Madera to Erie and Back. This in itself became an opportunity.
“We actually got to know each other a little more,” Frank says. “We’d go to our meeting, go to dinner and maybe do a little shopping. We finally had time together.” And now they had some strategies to employ in working out some of their differences. “I think it’s really important to know that Christ already knows what’s in our hearts,” Debbie says. “But Retrouvaille helps people understand each other, which leads to respect; respect brings love and love brings forgiveness, which leads to healing.
Today the Kruises are one of those adorable, middle-aged couples in love. They say their friends will be shocked to learn of the drama that has taken place in their lives, although recently, people have questioned them about the obvious glow they share. At the mall, at church, at the local football games. They’re a couple again. Although she never would have believed it, Debbie says she has literally felt the wall she built disintegrating, one piece at a time. Once again they are treasuring little moments, like finding a spot under the stars to share hot chocolate on a cold winter night or purchasing two special wine glasses they reserve only for each other. These moments come naturally, now that they are in sync with each other again.
Their advice to other couples? “Remember the early days,” Frank suggests. “You can have that again, but you need to work on it. You’re the same people. Everything that has happened between two people can be forgiven.” Everything.
